While trekking through the wilderness it is quite important for one to keep ones wits about himself, as I found out the hard way in the winter of 2007. My team and I were nearing the end of a several hour hike through the zoo. We were nearing the final and most dangerous destination of all, that’s right, the bear exhibit. We were watching some brown bear cubs nuzzle up to their mother and feed when all of a sudden we heard a blood curdling scream, followed by the most terrifying words one is ever likely to hear in ones life,
“BEAR!”
When first my eyes took in the epic beast, I must admit, a wave of fear hit me like a bucket of water straight to the face. It was a full grown grizzly… and it was angry as hell. The bear was tossing zoo patrons left and right, dodging this way and that, avoiding the zoo swat team with their tranquilizer guns. The beast was now threatening the lives of countless zoo enthusiasts who ironically came to behold the beast for their love of it. I knew I had to do something, I couldn’t sit still and watch the carnage that was sure to ensue.
I approached the beast cautiously until I was within mere inches of it’s snarling jaws and I said, “Put your dukes up bear!”
The bear howled and roared at a volume I never new it possible for a creature of such stature to make. I covered my ears until the roar was done… and then it happened. He pounced! I was pinned down and couldn’t move my limbs. The man-eater was just short of having my flesh for a delicious bear snack when I kicked up with all my might, and barely freed one arm, enough to hold the beast off for one minute longer. I had to get free, somehow… and when I did, I would have to run. Run fast, run until my lungs gave out. With one last kick upward with my legs I managed to just free myself, and dodge one hell of a swipe from the seasoned killer!
I started to run, the bear hot on my heels , how could something so big run so fast! I mean seriously it was ridiculous! I went left! The bear followed. I went right! The bear gained. There was no escape! I was finished! Through! Finito! My life started to flash before my eyes… Something came over me and I knew I had to fight back. I squared up to the bear and we went toe to toe! A left from me, a right from the bear. The bear roared. I shouted, “I’m gonna dominate you bear! We’re takin’ a trip downtown on the pain train!”
The battle raged on for what seemed like an eternity, back and forth, ebbing and flowing, neither I nor the bear gaining any ground. My muscles ached, I was thirsty and I was craving fondue for some reason. Then it happened, the bear let go his grasp, and I was free from bondage. He looked at me and roared and I knew that by that roar he really meant, “Wow Daniel you’re really strong and also super bad ass, and I don’t think I can beat you … you have bested me sir.”
I replied, “ Yes bear, you just got served, but let’s be friends.”
The bear and I hugged, and he retreated into his cage once more. I was the hero of the day! The zoo had been saved and the zoo keepers lifted me on their shoulders and chanted my name! “Daniel! Daniel! Daniel!” It was sweet sweet victory.
Then I woke up… I had been sleeping through my western literature class AGAIN. Well I can’t help it, you can only listen to someone reading the odyssey for so long before it lulls you off into a mystical dreamland of sleepiness.
So that’s how it happened. The famous bear attack of 2007. I was there… even though I really wasn’t, but If you tell anyone that I made it up, ill call you a liar, and probably tell everyone you have an STD. So the moral of the story is don’t tell everyone that Daniel’s “I fought a bear story” Is a fake, or he’ll kick you straight in the face.
